One of the following is true:
1) I've killed five men.
2) The priesthood rejected me on the grounds that I'm not Catholic.
3) Lifetime Channel has slotted a show for me as 'The Lovelorn Guru'.
4) I wear a size 10 shoe.
5) After she ducked away from a premier, Michelle Pfeiffer -- this was in the 90s -- Michelle arrived shamefaced and needful, wet from having walked a distance in a rain, came to my hotel room, and I let her in.